.:tripleneverdouble:.

back to what i do best:
old man sits in the chair facing me.
prying my hands from my face.
"you goddamn need to shave kid; puberty hits and it's not a game."
except he knows what's wrong.
he asks me.
"why did you have to fall asleep next to a girl who never wanted you?"
"cos it was a need for me. a fundamental that my body had to have to get me by in life. like the breathing of the body and the natural way of sleep. a fundamental. a basic. a rule."
"what happened?"
"she died."
"......"
"she was lying in my bed; half dead. the way her eyes fluttered back inside the place i wanted to live in behind her ribcage; stuck between her 5 billion hearts that were once reserved for me. like a v.i.p. but better. (then when i told her we were married at that moment. she sort off smiled and "dozed" off and then was sent off to......i do not know where.)
"you are a smart kid."
"only sometimes"
"did you love her?"
"i do."
"......."
"i spit blood for her every night battling my insides.."
currently eatting galaxies to try and get to you. 
eating the moon,
but only as a snack.
i actually wanted to see you today and tomorrow and yesterday.
i had a feeling you would want to create some sort of game;
didn't know it would end up this way.

i do not know i tried writing something different, didn't turn out the way i thought it would/should;
things aren't always what they SEEm.
- amn

had to show this off.
http://i989.photobucket.com/albums/af17/nunesz1234/P1070834.jpg
http://i989.photobucket.com/albums/af17/nunesz1234/P1070834.jpg
http://i989.photobucket.com/albums/af17/nunesz1234/P1070836.jpg
http://i989.photobucket.com/albums/af17/nunesz1234/P1070824.jpg
http://i989.photobucket.com/albums/af17/nunesz1234/P1070822.jpg
http://i989.photobucket.com/albums/af17/nunesz1234/P1070820.jpg

tired of mj shit?

sorry ahaha.

i am in cali.....i litereally can not writee anything i am in the studio and i am out of here. busy busy boy.
busyyyyyyyy.

will write soon.

love,
peter parker.

ps
i need to talk with you
screw the silence.  i'll just melt the skin of it off till its just the slim film (like of tv dinners and such) then i;ll leave it up to you to break off.
seriously.
there are things that would interest you.





 

dear ms. bright sun,
i am currently trying to fall in love with myself so i will have no drips nor drops.
down to the floor
where i was made to be
you gave me a spark
and
i sorta just melt
dying to be lit on fire
not heated
just repeated
night after night
sliding down the surface
of the candle stick
too bad i was made
into
..into a wax heart
you said you wanted to
save me
then why did you show me you
couldn't
why did you show me your hand?
now i can win
but that's only
only at second glance.
at second glance i see where the anchor would've dropped
if i hadn't have dropped it so early;
the captains' gotta sink with the ship;
remember that.
and i kinda want to be the sand that your anchor is dug into;
i want you to sink with me;
i want you to sink in me.
i want to make you sink.
and
if god is here and he heals,
 then the doctor just takes the fees
so
where does that leave me when my body leaves me be?
i am no longer pretending i once was a good person;
i was never and will never.
forever trailing in my shadow
and my shadow's
shadow.
the only time i tell the truth is when i'm saying how not-so-great i am.
what if i'm just silver in a gold mine?
i'm a penny away from becoming a saint,
but what if i lose those pennies?
then i'll be left without affection from the
highest gates
in the journey of infection i hope you feel affected.
i have a question;
if you had a complete addiction with obsession,
wouldn't it be contradicting to go seek help.....
and become obsessed with becoming saved?
ms. sun, it has come to my attention that you have melted me.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
rain rain rain rain rain rain rain.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
stop this heat,
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
you do not want this or me.
"""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""""
"please remold me." would've been what i would have said in this letter,
but i know that's impossible stating your current condition and obviously mine.
and you never knew what i was until i came out into daylight.
screw that sunny day;
it should've rained.
now i'm forever melted on some sidewalk;
walk all over me.

you gave me away.

thanks,
mr. wax heart

ps. bodies rolled up in newspapers
at the corner street of 60
hyperventilating from the extreme disgust
of the name of "fucking nuts"
words in black ink never meant a thing, until it's something about you (or some scandal you want to change); you want to change.

Wake up to despise a world I once loved
Why would you bring me in if you knew what youd become
or what id become
Curse everyone and everything even the sun, Draw the blinds
I want to be tucked in and put back to sleep only like a dog this time
Set the sails
Drop anchor in the middle of a storm
I've got a conversation
And a bottle to keep us warm
Let's break it on the bow
as it sinks
hummingbird with hammers for wings
the swan doesnt remember the last song it sings
Take what you love most and burn it to the ground
the smoke in the air won't leave me be
All around
Count the embers tell me
They don't look like me
They won't sing to me
If I wake in the morning I only need two more miracles to become a saint
Everything I promised everyone I'd be I just aint
Bury me with my friends
At the crossroads of dead end
And oh all my old friends
Oh Yeah I hate them
Why bother make new ones too
Just more for me to lose
Put myself in this prison called life
Got a sentence of a lifetime
But I know the warden is god
And I could get paroled at anytime
the letter begins
Dear old feuds
Don't worry I'm headed
Somewhere new
I just hope they let me in the gates
i hope they dont have a calculator to add up all my mistakes
You can't give me any more time than I already have
And then they sent me a postcard from hell
"Wish you were here"
I'm getting close
The gps says were near
Got a key to a lock that doesn't exist
got a world on my back that i cannot lift
drink the world, til its forgotten about
I never know what I'm talking about
Don't care about anybody
But the ones that are gonna carry my coffin
Will my love be the same as I left them
Will my pall bearers be the same as my bestmen?
Tell my friends to forget about becoming famous
Not that it matters this junk is so goddamned contagious
Losing it and I love being lost
Dad, tell me which is worse
Your last breath in the worst city on earth
Or your last kiss from the lips you were built to love from birth
I'm so sick of the neon lights
But every dog will have its day
And when I get mine
I'm gonna paint this world gray
dear you, oh how happy
sarcasm is not accounted for
 in this letter
its all truth
even if its not
meant to be
ironic
meant
to
be

- ox

i got that midnight tennis elbow
the solitaire rugburn
took a turn (an ace up my sleeve)
i want to choke (u)
and get sick off of you like secondhand smoke
ya got me sweating like calcutta nights
such a sweet epiphany
i am a wing
i am a prayer
a thimble and an acorn
a promise from a poor apocathary- to an understudy in love forlorn
ill give you heatstroke
im getting you and im losing me
wed get legendary lil darlin, uh huh lil darlin
but ive got a nomadic head
i love ya but ive caught the doom and the dread


- ox

this kinda felt fitting. ive been eatting away the excess of evil self, thanks to one person. stranger girl meets stranger boy. or is it both the first. wont say her name, everyone knows everyone now a days. but i thank you god, or earth for bringing me to her likes. finally i have someone completely sold to me. even if i just be the participant of the experimental "sales" rack. and here it goes..the fitting part..in my asymmetrical and non-linear understanding (misunderstanding of) the past few years are only like a dog who bites someones hand. its reflex, by the time the newspaper is swatted at it, its too late the dogs has forgotten everything but shame and self defeat- but not the why. so tail between the legs we circle the yard we just want to come back inside where we can hear the laughs and cheers of the people world going on with out us. its not everything thats different that makes us tick, its the way we hold on to the normal parts of us. we need them most. they are the processing drive that essentially keeps us alive. we need society so that we can sit just at the edge of it and critique it but every once in awhile we need to sneak in and warm ourselves on the fire. there is a grace to rolling, to the perfect spiral. but there is no grace in going end over end. its an amusement park ride at best- but at worst it is light and dark, dawn and dusk, spinning end over end so fast that it becomes a blur. the great black sadness poison and beaks and all and the warming sun just become the same. its that lithium point. the drooling effect. zombie. been going through kitchens and back doors for awhile now, so youd never know. feel like im walking around with a sign on my back of some kind. every one i know wants to take me in, to pull me aside for that all important conversation where i figure me out- we pull out of perspective- maybe i dont want to figure me out. maybe every time you thank me, i feel like ive pulled the rug out from under you. every time you curse me, i quietly applaud because you know what? maybe youre right. maybe they all are. snag. hit a snag. always do. turn over a new leaf, fuck it turn over the whole tree. itll be a new day all the bodies hanging from the branches will be buried in beautiful ceremonies. and besides well finally have roots. something to dig in to. ive forgotten most everyone i ever cared for if they dont keep tabs on me. not saying that should come as much of a surprise its just me. i dont want to clear up any confusion. i dont want to clarify black or white, im totally entranced with the idea of remaining gray. and if my eyes pour its just for the garden that is its lashes. nothing more. cause really its just that newspaper swat and i couldnt remember for the life of me what ive done or where ive been thats got me shaking to my karmic bone. the "h.m.s. sinking" feeling is sneaking up on me. thats what you get in open waters, right? royal navy to the crown prince of pointlessness. you got addicted to the blur. its the stage. its the plane. its the kiss. its the strut. and when it all slows down its just you in a room so dark you cant even tell how big it is. been asleep so long ive forgotten my name. stumble. the night has a plan. if not the night has a point: "if you cant remember it why would you ever miss the blur?" think of all the in-betweens. knuckles numb from the walls youve puched, knees buckling from all the legs youve loved. all the toasts weve made. all the hugs. blow past the exit sign. the exist sign. were ticking. were wicks sparking....

more.

i dont think i could ever evolve past the part where i was the only one of that species in the cambrian explosion. thats the only reason i dont jump off benches, im the only one left of my kind, as stark from star trek would say.

- ox

ps. lisa marie left for college.  
i get my car this july, will be in studio till august. im going to stay up in gainesville with _____ since the studio is there. ive met some fucking awesome people over the last two weeks. thanks myspace, youre such a pal.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-YGrByEBcDw


i basically wrote the song as i was recording the video.....you can see me pause like i dont know what im doing. lol. and ya my voice is high pitch and in some moments..pitchy..or sketchy..but i dont care.

i sang in the lunch room today and this kid goes up to me.."you have a fucking high pitch voice.." and it really bothered me for a while. cos it always has. cos it used to bother me that some keys i could only sing high. and only a few low. but w/e.

i got over it.

i'm not really doing any of my singing...guitar playing ..for anyone except a select few.. and i really hate how assholes try to get to people who need to live and mess up just like they do....and truely if i suck more than i know....and i'm putting myself out there. i really dont give a shit. this is the most alive i have ever truely felt....and i'm going to absorb as much of that in, that i can. and i'm gonna use this time that i have.....that whatever is helping me write new songs each day....and im gonna use that. and hey if i suck...i'll fucking sell my songs for 100 bucks....i dont really care. as long as they get sung ultimately by someone who loves someone..and brings there own heart into it. i dont care.
i love my ideas of songs...and its time i give my self credit for somethings. i'm sick of sitting in my room and writing in paper journals....and never recording my songs. and never doing anything with the talents ive been given from whoever. and i dont care. i know ive been saying that constantly....but this year is MY year. it really is. and it's the year of my music. make this the day that i can have evidence.....that i'm going to be big. large crowds. i know it. and i will evolve more than ever this year. and seriously...i cant wait. i needed this hope. this kind of hope and faith. and thank you so much for whoever sent it through their heart to me. i want to embrace you so fucking badly.

i am in the best mood since.........who knows.


- ox

i almost feel welcome.
people treat hearts like cars.
we are always trying to trade up.
it feels good being a new car.
but it always feels strange driving back onto the lot when you know you are being traded in.
how you doing- is all a matter of who is asking.

thank you for bringing me back to life.
except now of course.

http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=b7nj87&s=5

- ox

i kinda want to share my thoughts...all of them......but i'm always afraid of the remarks....the same kind of feeling when i sing infront of a large crowd...or even worse small......i can't do it. i always sound worse and naive when i sing to other people....not including one. and i dont even know for sure. but i know im bound for glory. thats the only reason i am signing up for BMI....and am playing on the streets of ybor friday night with sam.......cos it's my passion. and i cant stop. and i wont stop. jsut like with you. its a full-time thing. and singing/writing....is the only thing i have right now....and its the only thing that makes my eyes close sooooooooo tight when they says never to blink. it's the only time when i cry is when i know why and how i came to write those words that i am sucked up into the galaxy of your words and mine. it's like a floating dictionary...myriad of words that only you and i comprehend. and i love it.

.... . . . . .....sam gets his license friday so he's picking me up from school and we're gona go get our guitars and sing at ybor........i shall video tape.....it's going to be a once in a lifetime experience.
first time.
wow.
so excited...even if my guitar case isnt filled with cash one bit.

i'm ready.
step on the accelator.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yy1NT2CFzjM


ya yaaaaaaa.
rough draft.


there's a really high pitch part on it...

kinda cool...if i myself, me, could sing my own song right.


try to put in emotion to your work, nothing.

but it's cool.

note to self:

make sure to tell her you miss her.
and that you don't have hope, but a heart.



- ox

im recording my music in a pro studio.......it should make up for my ratty "new" voice.

entry:
http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=2i6ia01&s=5




new song: "happy new years/ sad sad old year"

-ox

I'm not sure how you can say things like that and then act as if nothing ever happened or even worse; nothing's there.  (christmas break below..everything afterthat..was horrible..oh and the white shirt/white skin albino is my sis bf..)

Today was one of the longest ever for me.
I have no explanation. Except that relief can come from the last place you'd ever expect.

Sometimes the people you expect to be there are no shows. Especially when you're on the tile floor heaving.

I am ready to be me again.

I miss you, but that's no excuse. (if only maybe)

I think you dreamt me alive.

im like one of those movies you buy in a hotel with every button but rewind.
have at it.
your jokes.
your ring tones.
it doesnt matter.
i cant ever get the right words to the right people.
lying on the side, tears fall from your left eye into your right.
filling it and spilling over. and so on.
spilling out. but not pretty like in the movies.
phones are always dead.
white lights hanging on houses, breath in the air-
everything about right now reminds me that i am all alone.
and how terrible i am because of the thoughts that run through my head.like im pretty sure i could get some sleep if you were dead and gone.
but not in a "drop dead" kind of way, more like you couldnt fuck with my head anymore.
a snow day on giving a fuck about anything.
sit here and stare at the television because thats what im supposed to do.
forget to eat.
sit in the chair that is adjoined to the desk, because that's what i'm sposed to do.
forget to care.
and i just want to write a story or a song that makes everyone forget their troubles but im not too sure that i have it in me.
hot spots become luke warm.
i just want one person to know me completely before i die.

diamonds into coal.
1. i need you to change your mind.
2. i moved out of my house.
3. i wrote the best song i can ever right..on new years day.
4. i am stupid.
5. i am overdramatic.
6. i am overly pessimistic. i only see the worst in everything.
7. but i smile and nod along anyway.
8. i dont believe a word anyone says to me.
9. but id really like to believe in everything.
10. this list is boring. i miss you.

well take my flaws and polish them as good as new-
that is except for jealousy, theres been a recall on that one.

turned the corners of my eyes out as though they were my pockets, as i pass by men sleeping in boxes looking for loose change.
fix me or forget me.
at this point im going for whichever is easier.

i am a surgeon who wont even try to cut himself open to save his own life.
(maybe because wants someone else to..) ..... . . . .
f    a     r           a         w           a         y

...my head.
i left it on the coat rack along with my jacket.

my dreams are all backyards in the suburbs and you.
and whatever happens in between just make sure our plots are matching and next to eachother.
its kind of tough being a people pleaser when you are really too fond of people in general.

its hard to imagine a time when any of this made sense.


....i like where i am right now.....
she is 19.  is from spain.  she is a published writer/ publishes quotes..
is working on a book.
gets in my face.
makes me nervous.
what else could a fucked up kid wish for/deserve.
i will tell you more about lisa marie tomoro.....we;ve been sneaking around everywhere in this town........im surprised. but noone cares. i think theyve gotten used to us/slash/this whole town knows everything about me now. this is new and different. but i love how she even puts up with me....not because she had to....but because she started this all. math class. yippee for that!..cough..cough..  the smell in my bed/room....smells like her. i think im gonna go lysol each and every pore..of my bedroom door/blankets../mattress../shirts.../jeans/etc...etc////etc.
but the only thing that connects me or interests me to her is that i had a dream of her before i actually met her....and i wrote about her.

it was something like "i am on the edge of her bed. ......and earlier i wrote something like...her hair looks like rows of sharked teeth..dyed over dye jobs..like she was running away from her natural color..(noone wants to be who they are..) we drive around the city while she alternates between coffee and cigarettes . we talk about the kids we hate so we have something to agree about........etc...et.c."

something like that. but at the time i didnt know who she was....in my mind atleast.
she had one of my classes las semester..............now two...consequitive. as she got her classes changed...for me?......no answer.
but i dont like her.....i guess its just for fun? i think i only am in love with one thing..

(she's the first person to "love" me..except becky..but that didnt count...)



she reminds me of you.







(..i had a dream on new years eve and all it was..was a voice that said "next year's your year, bright eyes."

- ox

bloom in and out. and over again. just enough to be remembered and then severely forgotten. cover to cover, i read you like a saint. imagined by a kid forced into a confessional, just know....your face came to life with every word. every adjective was a stretch of muscle that made a certain mark on your face..be it a dimple..or just the way you were trying to say what you wrote. and i'll try to explain this....i wish i didn't have eyes or sight, but vision. the more i read it. the more i was scared to scroll down. so i didn't. i exited out..and went in my bed and tried to fall asleep. tried to close off what i was thinking. the bad and the goo...the bad. and i had a dream. a quite funny one...ya...i sat down and i ate. until i threw up. i ate and i ate. and i was repeating "i'll show you disgusting..i'll show you....i'll show you me..i'll show you disgusting..i'll show you....i'll show you me..i'll show you disg....."
..but wait it got bettttter.
i fell asleep in my dream. and....wow. it was a movie now.
i was scrooge. and the food ghost came and visited me. but it was just a disguise..he was really sorrow and shame or someting in that category..
and he made me go through...literally my whole fucking life. i'll be the first one to lie. but.....im not lying about this.
it's the freakiest..dream ive ever had. yet it felt so unreal but enough real..that it could happen. im not even kidding..i just remember..looking on at myself.
knowing what i was...its different when your looking from this perception of a dream, out of your body, instead of being you..and knowing what you are. do you know what i mean? like out of your body, and a different person..and knowing what your body (you) are..it's completely bashful. and..completely vulnerable. and..i don't know. just think about it. i remember in the "end" , though, being fast warded to myself..in closer years..it was first 27 or so it seemed. i was at a bar or club..or restaurant...something with alchohol..and i saw someone i had known when i was younger..i went up to them and said i havent seen you in forever.....literally. and it goes to me. "who are you?" " .....what? you don't remember me?" "..no.?..should i have remembered?"    ".......... . . . . . . .no...you shouldn't. youre right."
and as the dream went along it was just like that. to everyone . same exact response. just different faces. faces i grew up with. faces i grew to hate. faces i grew to love. faces i grew up to be taller, once my role models. but mostly..faces i loved.
i just remembered in the dream a quite....mellow feeling. of ..what was wrong with me?....i aged to be in my 80's.....and i was sitting in a restaurant..with a tv....my birthday..i had one present sitting infront of me. the tag read, "happy birthday..remember this?" . . . . . . . .. . .  . . ....all it was was a present i had paid to be ordered to all my birthday years. one in 2011. 2012...2013.....................2025. etc. and it was pitiful. like i couldnt handle not getting something for my birthday from somebody i loved. two cups of water infront of me. two silverware. two napkins. one present. from an old fuck.

one more thing........at the very of the dream....
"look in the mirror.." "no....i dont want to..i cant" "do it." "......ok.." "now listen.....you have been to every persons door.....every person's face....you have been every person's fear of what there kid would turn out to be..you have run through the walkways yelling out to them......."
i know im not gonna turn out like that......i mean come on....what did i ever do to anybody?
what am i? .......a freak?

ha ha ha..

why do you read these then. whyyyyyyyyy do you care. there's something about you that isn't true.
and im the first one that shouldnt be saying that........but you say you're the devil. or something like him.
whyyyyyy do you read these. why. why. why.


ps. my headlights are pointed in neutral. so am i.

hopefully something is searching for me...maybe someone.

maybe they want to be jsut like me, maybe im a pre-role model.

.....so....today the presale tickets of the CRÜE....came out..i woke up early this morning..to find that....-_-. it's on a tuesday march 4..and blah. you know how it goes, journal. i really wish i couldve gone. but oh well..maybe when they......come around in the next 3 years i'll see them. hey!...i'll be 18. cool..lol.  uhh today should be fun..im going to platos closet to sell all my clothes....im becoming a nudist. whoever gets my clothes is lucky. hopefully my j(g)e(e)a(n)s(e)(s) bring them some (salao) lucky shit. ohhhhhOH journal. i forgot. i cut my hair. you would hate it. but it brings out my portuguese jawbones..

- oxxx

im sitting here under this kind of self imposed house arrest. waiting. its been good for self reflective thought. i have been reading all of these other people's ideas about what i should do. its kind of strange because i feel like i have a unique perspective on it. when i realized that about 90 percent of my 'friends' didnt like me-it kind of freaked me out. it made me think of "likeability", it made me self conscious. i think i feel the need to explain my perspective, kind of pleading before a jury. now when i look back on what i do, i hate it. i think it is one of my weakest strongholds, perhaps, due in part to this pleading.

my guitar is broken. not surprising since i smashed it against my wall.
all that doesn't work is the fischer's tuners.
ha. i cant play a note. but it works out with how i have needles everywhere.
and my hands are always tied up.

i used to hate needles. despise them. especially those ones they would prick you in the finger.
shit.

i'm taking after Sixx in so many ways.
and not that way you would think.
but i wouldnt know what you would think.

i swear last night out of the corner of my eye was some person in black.
and then tonight i saw someone in the mirror going to chop off my head.
and then i went in my closet and i couldve sworn the alarm company bugged our system.
that there was those tiny camera's everywhere.
and they were coming to get me.
i need to stop reading these books.


what i(am) would do(ing) to your/(my) mind would put all of us in a state that is not among the 48.
i swear were not related. today you told me you loved me. but fuck. what has that shit gotten me.
im reading twilight. im on the preface. im scared to open it. what will i get myself into?

so ive been playing runescape........and boy...does it make me lose my fucking mind.
im dead in that game. eyes close to the screen.
i feel alive, and unbeatable.
im a nerd, im a ter..
but its what i need to lose myself.
autopilot.

ive got a gig this weekend.
a 25 song one.
its gonna be killer.
i hope noone shows.

i have 3 albums.........................dsklgfnsdfklsdf
do you know how weird that sounds?
to be completely content.
but..to go crazy when i realized how those songs were compose.
or why.

and ive been writing and writing..it wont stop.....
thats why i think i need to pick up a ukelele.......i need to write some shit music that i wont be able to write shit to.
youu know?
like.....aloha...benikiwahh..kwah...sii..noo..pinyy..apple....surf all day..get high by day.......and night.
..thats what i need to do.

..or find someone who is as messed up as i.

but my next song is killer.....if only ,Journal, you could hear the tune.
your ears would worship me.

and i cant type the lyrics out..cos well..Journal..you would know.

Nikki Sixx said it right......completely.........you know youre insane when you lie in your own journal.

i need to find some way to contact him.

i need help.

and its not a SOS.

its specific,
and..mandatory.


today could be my last day.

im scared.
yet so excited.

ohhhh journal.
i love you.
sometimes i think your the only one that lets me get by......
or makes me.

one day i hope i could live without you.

- oxxx

oh, so formal and so here's the information of my death.

i feel better.
                                    but i'm not better.
this is me on my worst days:
sunday morning the scariest thing happened.
                      
                     i was driving to church.
the road was a two-way street with one lane going each way.
i saw a white car to my left, and i considered swerving, hitting the car head on.
we would of died. i literally put my hands on the wheel to be able to turn it in the direction of the car.
and i was so close. it was a sensation i wanted to feel. i would've killed two people. and i would've bet
i would've been the one that came out alive. the driver. and that's the one everyone hates. lives. and that's the reason why i concluded to myself why i didn't do it. why i didnt turn my steering wheel in such a way, on a Sunday morning, me smiling. talking about how much i'm in love with the world. and smiling. and then bam i either die with a smile on my face or my face gets burned in which all i can do is smile. and then. that would be the worst. think about it. i gave up on you. and deffinetly me. i am the secret experiment. i am area 51. i am the man on the moon. obama's lies. and overweight ethiopians. and you.
this picture is from the video i will be posting soon. sorry i'm a letdown.
this is why i know i'm going crazy. or am atleast showing it more than usual.
and it's getting worse. i am not strong at all. and that's been my main concern ever since 5th grade (to be strong and hurt everybody else before they hurt you.....it was my secret weapon..)
when Garrett got life. was that i was gonna turn up just like him. hopeless and useless. so the next
5-6 yrs i have been strong. i have only cried in the safety of my own presence. and ive only slipped up
from being strong was when i cried in the car when my mom picked me up from 'that' hotel, and i told her
how much i loved....and she believed me. for the first time she didnt question as if i was lying (and she does that a lot) or if i wasnt sure. and for the first time. i felt she understood. and that's the reason i'm here now. and 'everyone' else is not. because i cried in the car with my mom and told her. and how i was in sick and nasty clothes from the night before. and i felt disgusting. not ugly. but disgusting. filthy. my hair was touched and that's why the day when i got home i cut it all off. until it was new hair. new growth. and it wasnt a particle anyone but i had touched. and afterwards i felt like a new idiot. and i loved myself for it. but not the kind of love you all are oh so faked into. i loved myself, after that day, i loved myself. because for once i was loved forever and always, and i could make that promise right there. and i did. i was loved. even if by an idiot. i was loved. forever. and that has brought me to this day. not dead. not white and cold in the ground of the deceased. that night hardened me even more. im unstoppable. i know i can beat any person at anything, but i dont try. im unstoppable and forgettable. i have no hope. at all. just a heart, and hell does that make up for it. a very large heart.
"i'm just a kid with a very large heart, i can tell you how much i love you, but i dont think you could ever believe a liar."
my only quote i believe in anymore. i'm moving forward today. tommorrow will be the opposite. and it just replays like that. so it makes me think im doing better, but then the next im back where i was head-in-hand. shaking. and digging my fingers into my palm. my face turning red. sobbing. but not weeping. me..hands on my bathroom counter, staring at me mirror. making my head rattle while the it turns my head to just a big oval of blood. my veins in my neck. and how thats the only time i dont give a shit how i look. so i'll run my fingers through my hair, but not in a 'cool' way.

but that was sunday. and the many days before that. and i would be lying if i didnt say i dont have days like that.

so....i have a other new song im gonna be posting up here soon..either a video of me singing it or just the audio.
i haven't decided which is easier. but its one of the best songs ive ever written, hands down. i let sam listen to it
yesterday and he said if he was a music producer sitting in the back of some club or coffee shop i would be all over that.

i don't like you, but i think i can love you.

or the other way around, backwards and innwards.

in a way in which you don't want to do either.

so i'm reading this book heroin diaries by nikki sixx, another person who i feel connected with.

"i will be the first person to say "fuck you", but i'll say "i love you" even sooner."

- oxxx

ughhhhhhhhh.

YOU ARE KILLING ME.

(in this instance the writing is meaning their mother..)

i want to buy this watch: http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT&item=300272268074

my mums like do whatever you like..but you know youre trying to save money...
so yaaaa. i got a job paying 200 dollars a night for me and my friend..playing at bars...so i would get 100 dollars. splitted.


okay this is the song ive been talking about....new new new new as shit. i will be playing it this weekend :)

" why cant you be a constellation or the moon i see everynight? or the freckle on my left palm or the bottom of
every cup i drink from.
softer but faster chorus: what if we just laughed in unisome..it would make me feel better..it would make me feel better......
so i dont have to spill my guts...to try and make it better to try and make it better ..woah-oh-oh.
INSTRUMENTAL
and do you know.....and do you know. i......i wear a purple hair tieeeeeee....aaaaarrrrround my lefffffffffft wrist and i lieeee i liee to myyyyyyself
saying it..saying it was a gift from you to meeee..ya now you see..now you see..how..... i get byyyyyyy..how i get byy on so little of you.
why cant you be a constellation or the moon i see everynight? or the freckle on my left palm or the bottom of
every cup i drink from.
and ifffff evolution were true, i wouldddd tellllll youu...your blob turned intooo the prettiest one.

loud chorus: what if we just laughed in unisome..it would make me feel better..it would make me feel better.........
so i donttttt have to spend my life to try and make it better to try and make it better..so please try and make it better..please try.
slow down really fast now. slow down really fast. slow down really fast now. slow down really fast.
slow down really fast now. slow down really fast. slow down really fast now. youre leaving me, youre leaving me,
youre leaving me, youre leaving me, youre leaving meeeeeeeeeeeeeee in theee dust."

and thats all i have SO far. i mean i think its fairly good...EXCEPT for "your blob turned into the prettiest one"
because........isnt evolution apes? not blobs? ......ugh THAT messes up the WHOLE line....ugh.

its the funniest song to play. its a fast one. and im recording it soon.
its gonna be the first song on my new album.
but i need to think of a song.
so if you have one hit me up.
even though you dont give a shit:)))))
i want you to learn to crave me.
lead me on like old friends do, and suck my blood.
it's a disease, your heart's vacuum.
i feel fictitious.
like im part of some sick kid's imagination, while he is rocking back and forth..
head outlined in his hands.
repeating "this isn't happening..this isn't happening..this isn't happening..this isn't......"
maybe that kids me.

my new dream:
her eyes were always open.
i could never remember seeing them closed.
when i had awakened (still in my dream).
her dark eyes made little reflected stars.
it was a morning like other mornings and yet perfect among mornings.
i cant imagine doing this anymore.
Ernest Hemingway has forever been my favorite author and person,
i feel like he's most like myself. or the other way around.
i feel connected to each and everyone of his words in his books,
like i was the "idea" that popped up in his mind that led him to write.
today i read that his death was suicide.
"...writting is an obsession...it's the only one i have left....i hope you don't have any..."
just like he said it is an obsession.....he wrote his life out..im in the process of doing just that..(as awful as
i feel lately...i hope im not on the brink of death)...
this is a line from one of his books that is one of my favorite (the snows of kilimanjaro) like i said..i feel connected......
"And then it just occurred to him that he was going to die. It came with a rush, not as a rush of water nor of wind; but of a sudden evil-smelling emptiness, and the odd thing was that the hyena slipped lightly along the edge of it."
he had been releasted from hospitalization for severe depression; also receiving shock therapy.
He committed suicide on July 2, 1961.
im currently reading "A Farewell To Arms"......which he actually wrote about the affair he had with a woman...
it is a superb book.
and i bet you wont read it,
but you really should.

i really hope something bizarre happens.
i need to be better.
not feel.
but be.

my parents sold our house..$600,000.....weee-..now we can get out of debt...i have so many
memories in this god damned house....like the window, and the wire covering i cut open with a kitchen knife and the alarm system i taught myself to disassemble, the window i jumped
out of when i ran away. this house brought up my severe depression. and all the prozac and zoloft pills i hid in the holes of the walls i made with my firsts whenever i got angry.
when i didnt want to feel numb. i tried twice in this house. i remember having dreams of falling off balconies.
i remember the first time i had that dream. next day. i went to the balcony. but you wouldnt know that.
now..i cant walk past balconies in fear i might jump off one.
its nothing new. i am. the time i invited angelica over..for fourth of july.....it was the day before i left for africa.
and i gave you your first kiss. and i was surprised cos you were older than me. and im still not sure if you
lied. fuck, im not the one who is supposed to give first kisses. but i was. if only maybe. i remember planning it out.
and i remember the painting i was painting for myself but i gave it to you because you loved it..and i surprised you on your
birthday.....and juice your bestfriend at the time, thought i was the best thing that ever happened to you. thats the day
caitlin threw me in your pool with my vest on and my tight black jeans. and i was the show. everyone but you obviously
loved me. and i told you "im doing this just for fun....." BUT BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH. you have to ruin me once again.
le petit mort. ive only experienced once...AND THANK GOD..it wasnt with you.
oh btw...i want my favorite book back and my BLACK GREY AND PINK JACKET back that you sooooo loved.
..so loved enough that i let you borrow it the day i left for africa. that you still havent given back.
so i saw you at the movies saturday..i hope you die in hell. i hope you are happy with adam. and i hope he doesnt fuck you
over like you did with me.  and i hope that when you kissed him when i was walking by it wasnt for me. i honestly dont give a shit. just if i was in love with you.....but i wasnt so it doesnt matter.
youre the one that got me by for two plus months.....so thank you. and you hardened me. if i couldve got even more.
but you did. now i can handle anything. im not scared of death. thank you for that. even though my family wont thank you for that. i honestly feel like ernest hemingway today. but only today. cos i know tomorrow i will change.
be a new person persay.
britney spears for tomorrow.
michael jackson the next.

 (i only wrote those last 500 words about angelica because i was getting sick of writing the same shit...and i needed to feel angry at somebody else....except myself..and how "BAD" i feel.....blah blah blah i need to fucking get over myself grow some balls..)

our deadline to move is dec. 28th...but were looking for places right now...condos...and shit.

i hope this makes you happy.

copeland's new album is out . go out and BUY it. dont download.
give them the respect and money they deserve:)

the album is called "You are my sunshine" and it superb.

- oxxx

kara was talking to me about the future and shit, and our future friendship and shit. and the present.

and she said," i cant wait to actually have a family. and have a baby that looks like me....
you know any girl would kill to have a baby that just partially resembles you.."
and my throat tightened up. it felt like it was gonna explode.
and i said,"that's gonna be my only regret. or trouble i guess. but not really. ....im
never gonna have a kid who looks like me..and im never gonna have that joy....and it kills me everytime.
not that i want one right now. but that i cant. and im gonna miss out on that part of life."
and she goes,".....i would marry you..and i would want your kids.."
and we both laugh.
"you're ugly though.....my kids would be..........ugly with your little fixture of genes..
....ew...and what if our kids got your nose.....and your forehead....and your laugh."
"haha, they would be fucked."

anyways......afterthat i guess we were both dancing around the subject
(and i guess she kinda figured out how sad i was about it.....and so she joked with me about how im ugly and i joked back..she knows me i guess)
.....i told her what i felt.
and what i wanted to do about it.
and so we both came up with this.
im getting it next month.
when melissa turns 18 and can sign.
(and i made her promise to take me....and she already found a shop....etc...)
and nothings gonna stop me.
i already showed my family.
and im getting it. (its also my view on abortion...but im not a die hard anti-abortion..so dont shoot me down for that..i believe its your choice..yada...yada....)
out of their will or not.
its gonna be little me.
as corny as that sounds...........


- oxxx

sweat and tears pretty much have the same chemical make up.
we burn the weight off somehow.

sometimes you have to stop trying to kill your enemy, and start cornering them.
it's funny..cos' i have always done both.

im my own enemy.

i want to be saturated in you.
i am like Charlemagne, in a "swimming" kind of way.

....it's been scary..so "Eliot June" is not my last song. i actually quit writing that song completely.
my heart doesnt sing out to her, as tiny and precious as she is.
last night i was actually in my bed.  and had already put away my guitars, and my many guitar picks
scattered around on my floor.
and for the first time since february. song lyrics came to me. like a common knowledge. a sense.
i was a waterfall with words spilling over the edge, and at the bottom they weren't crashing into
the rocks but floating. and i realized....for over 5 plus months i was the "caution" tape to my
own crime scene, allowing no investigators to outline my body's silhouette. my body has forever been there.
it won't move. im dead, and i have left the scene with my memories. im a different person now. but same heart.
i have a murderer's life, but a victim's heart. last night was a huge milestone for me i was finally
"okay" with not being your number one and i wrote a song. and i was crying.
and my voice was crackly but i kept singing and i was infinite. and at one point i had no words, but i kept
playing the same four chords over and over again, while i was leaning back. head up. a million thoughts
spinning through my mind. like i was in one of those simulation rides. and i thought i could with stand
not pressing the "WARNING, if youre gonna throw up press this "button" now" button.
and tears were going down my neck. AND WAIT. thats not the funny part. my tears were
warm. and i cried. because i was crying.
my conversation with my mum:
"i dont see how people get sad over people leaving..there still here..just not here.."
"well ya.....theyre just used to having them around..not just here..why dont you get sad?"
"days go by i guess. youre always in hell, no matter what you do. and your best bet is try your
hardest to warm down the furnace."

(((((did you know i had less than 115 days with you.
and most of those times..literally wasnt with you.
at all.
but i was the happiest ive ever been, and it embarasses me to say that..'cos..its not like
i was ever anyones number one.
2 days i spent almost a day with you.
1 day-less than an hour.
1 day-less than 10 minutes.
do you know when i saw you that one day and i was skateboarding at the skate park,
and i saw you there, but you didnt see me so i went inside the skate shop to get a red bull, cos i was
nervous youd see me, and when i went back outside, i was skating, and i thought that you werent there,
and then you called out my name.
do you know i nearly had a cow. a baby one. but yes, a cow.
WOW WHAT THE FUCK I JUST HAD DEJA VU.
sdkflnsdfklsdfsf;sd;fss;fd;s. i said that cow thing before. but i never have...anyways....
and i know it was my fault. and shit plays out, with the wrong plays i played.
you always had that smile, not the one on your mouth, but the one that showed in your eyes.
and when i was on the phone asking where your car was, and i was playing around, right infront of your car.
and how you told me you hate man-dals. guys who wear sandals.
and your stalker. and that freaky baskin robbins guy.
do you know most times, i just want to slaughter these memories.
do you know most of me that feels this dances around the subject of when you quite frequently pop into my mind.
do you know nowadays i literally dont know why i cant stop thinking of you.
right now, its like im outside my body. laughing at myself. pointing and covering my mouth. for looking so pitiful.
liiiiike. im a fraud. of some such.
its not like i was handcuffed to your side for more than 4 days. i dont know why my shitty self fucks with me like this.
i was okay with it before, but im not okay with it now.
id give anything to make this stop.
thats why i find myself trying to cut off the things i think are leading me to you.
like writing songs and guitar.
and id give it all up. just to not feel this way.
saturday i cut up all my guitar strings with wire cutters.
and i nearly shot my fingers so i couldnt strum the same chords i do over and over again.
and its not your fault it never has been. its always been mine.
and maybe this is my subtle way of saying how i love you.
and shit if thats it.
kill me now, i have no choicechanceluck.
right. no right.

SALAO. (http://www.richarddonkin.com/fishingblog/2008/03/worst-form-of-unlucky.html)
look that up.
google it.
i feel like an idiot, who is one of those beauty and the geeks nerd...and there only
chance of girl attention is to study there shit up and win the competition so they can
win the money and POSSIBLY the fucking girl.
and most of the times.
they get neeeeeither.
and most of the time.
they spend time on television..with people
like YOU AND MEEEEEEEEEE...laughing at their asses....
for even applying to this reality show.
ASS.
donkey, persay.

i doNT have the heart of a fighter.
i doNT know how to throw a punch.
i will lose 9 out of 10 fights i get into.
but ill stand with my friends against anybody.
win or lose.

thank god i ahve no real friends.


......
maybe we should not make it through the night.
i am half a man, living half a life.

DECOMPRESSION.
id give anything to be released like that word means.

how i have been feeling is sunsets everywhere.

if you are unhappy it doesnt matter how many zeros are added to your bank account. you will find unhappiness.

I NEED SOMEONE TO MAKE ME PROMISE SOMETHING, so i will have something to do for the next
whatever years i plan on being alive.. or half dead with raccoon eyes.

(THISTURNEDOUTAWKWARDBUTIHADTOGETITOUTBEFOREILITERALLYEXPLODED..
i will probably delete this in 10 minutes..but im taking a shower right now so....give 5 hours...or 5 days...or 2 yrs..)))))

oh so.
 always feel astonished.
when i was younger i was sure i was from another planet. i felt sent here from another world. only i had forgotten my mission. i had forgotten how to call home.

only to realize that i was as normal as the boy to my right or left.
kinda.
but maybe better.
and i bet not.
i wish my life was as easy as it use to be.........(see below....i could barely tell it was me when i found the pick..)

now you have the whole world at your feet and you cant find the words to say.

it feels the same.

now they boo.

this towns dry and i aint talking about
oil
or
booze

its
love.

pics at bottom
your love is too small, it cant be held anymore.

im giving up from the heels of my feet of my shoes, all the way to the beating in my chest.

so..im working on a song called "Eliot June" ...it's totally about someone different then my last 13 songs....

and ultimately i hope it will end up like that.
stop singing your lungs out, to make sure you can smoke them later.

well anyways..."Eliot June" is about Devyn's baby..never told me until now. she's 14 months.
and it proves everything. everything about Elie, is magical..and impossible. and now i can look in the mirror and
believe there something good in me. not all the looks. but the guts and the little organ in the back of my ribcage.

so "Eliot June" is my last song..im ever going to write.
cos' i knew its the right thing, ultimately atleast.
i need to stop writing.

tomorrow that part of me is dying, jumping off a bench so to say.

i miss you.

and my guitar is gonna miss singing about you too.

- oxxx

Ya no lo puedo aguantar. trying to get in touch with my inner spanish side:)
read the very bottom first.
the truth is strange and chaotic. nothing hurts quite like it.
but i am addicted to it.
everything i write is just history from my perspective-
a bit off of how it really went.
happy people find happiness in the gutter.
unhappy people find happiness up happy people's asses.
i find that its alot easier to find faith than to lose it.
though there is always a singer, preacher or doctor who acts like they are the lost and found bin for faith.
when i think about you i want to be subtracted down to a particle that runs through your veins.
i want to run through your body.
sprint.
i want to make you dizzy.
i want to give you headaches.
i want to be a part of what you need to get by.
i am just like a movie based on a book-
almost. but not quite as good.
i feel shut out in the cold.
in my head only.
its dark and my eyes have not adjusted yet.
brand new boy, plain old world.
i want someone or something to believe in.
el hacer
- oxxx
no quiero hacer esto si significa ello hacer esto mas.
i dont want to do this if it means doing this anymore.